Beautiful

After ages, I saw something that really made me go 'Wow'. Here are some of the videos from Ultraslo



This one, I saw first. Jaw dropping.



If possible, this one is even more beautiful...

The ONE meets Smith

It's been 2 weeks since Raju last said some naughty things about Smith's mother. While Morpheus looks for the NEXT ONE, Raju's life is about to change forever.

Setting - A sugarcane juice shop near a railway station. Raju now works here. His shiny new watch tells about how he has moved up in life, since his Udipi days. He wears a light off-cream coloured shirt stained with sugarcane juice stains. His shorts hide a pair of buns that are shapely. The hair on his legs are slightly golden in colour - which is strange, because Raju is a genetically perfect Indian.

While no one looks, a old man selling potatoes outside seems to have a fit. He goes silvery and post about 5000 dollars of special effects, Smith steps into the Mumbai sun and smiles. He turns to approach the shop, spots Raju and confidently walks towards him ...

Smith - "Raju - stop smiling at your watch. Do you know who I am?"

Raju - "Half? Full?"

Smith - "Half? Full?

Raju - "Bhai sahab - half glass ya full glass?"

Smith - Full Raju. One Full.

Raju steps towards the pile of sugar-cane and pulls one out for the crusher. The Agent, in an anticipatory action, grabs his own sugar-cane and crouches in front of Raju. Everyone else continues to eat while our 2 central characters move into Bullet Time.

Smith smashes the sugarcane into where Raju's head should have been, but in what seems likes a freak-fast move, Raju pulls away and brings his hand down to block. The sugarcane strikes the watch and smashes it into pieces.

Exit bullet time.

Raju - Arre madarchod. Mera ghadiyaal? (cries a bit)... aaj hee khareeda tha Mulund station ke saamne se.... teen sau rupay mein .... teri gaand maaroonga lavde ...

Agent - The One cries over a watch? Hehehe ... the information I received must be erroneous. This is definitely not the One.

Exit Smith

Raju - Arre bhadvyaa .... teri maa ko maine choda tha re kal - Vikhroli station ke platform pe. (cries a bit more) (fade)

(Wait for Part 3. I have no clue what's coming up ....)

Morpheus Seeks The (other) One

Setting: An Udupi restaurant in Bombay. Afternoon. The phone on the bill-counter rings. Himesh Reshamiya croons from 3 FM sets in and around the place. The owner of the restaurant, a fat, dark, murderous looking man of Dravidian descent answers the phone.

Fat Dravidian: Hullo

Morpheus: I need to speak with Raju.

Fat Dravidian:Hyan?

Morpheus: Raju. I need to speak to him. They are coming for him.

Fat Dravidian: Raju... phone. Who is this?

Morpheus: Morpheus

Fat Dravidian: Murphy ka phone hai. Thambi - table ko water de

Raju walks toward the phone. He is a striking young man - not much older than 18. He is wearing a grey shirt and grey shorts & a grey topi. His eyes shine with radiance, but this could be because he has been cutting green chilli in the kitchen.

Raju - Hello?

Morpheus - Hello Raju. Do you know who this is?

Raju - Hello? Mr. Murphy?

Morpheus - Raju - you are the ONE.

Raju - Hello? Theek theek batao saab. No English. Hindi and Bhojpuri only speaking.

Morpheus - Fuck. (then talking away from the phone) Link - can you give me a quick patch on learning Hindi?

Link - Am on it Sir. May I ask why you ask Sir?

Morpheus - The ONE doesn't know English. He knows Hindi and Bojpur.

Link - Sir - I have a patch called Rapidex English Speaking Course. Should I burn it in?

Morpheus - And how would that help Link? I want to learn Hindi, not English. If we are to overcome the machines, I need you to be alert at all times Link.

Link - Yes Morpeus. The search for a Hindi learning patch is negative sir. Should I run a search for the other language?

Raju - Hello?

Dravidian - Gaand marra raha hai kya phone pe?

Raju - Patta nahin kaun hai. Mujhe lagta hai credit card waale hain.

Morphues - Raju - are you there?

Raju - Yes. Aapka credit card nahin chahiye.

Morpheus - Raju, listen to me very carefully. The fate of the world rests on your shoulders.

Raju - No. Don't want. Nahni chahiye.

Morpheus - Fuck! Stupid Indian Son Of A Bitch!!!

Link - Sir, we do have the NEXT ONE. Name's Anderson.

Morpheus - Fine. (click.... hangs up)

Raju - Hello? You are son of bitch madarchod... (hangs up and turns to leave, when the phone rings again. He picks up, pissed as hell)

Smith - Mr. Rajendra. You have something of importance that belongs to us.

Raju - Gaand mara bhenchod. Ek baar bola credit card nahin chahiye.

Smith - I do not understand. Are you or are you not Rajendra Kumar Jha?

Raju - Haan bhosadike .... mein he hoon. Kal raath ko tere ma ko Kandivali station ke bahar choda tha.

Smith - Hmmm.... (hangs up)

Raju - Dimag kharaab kar diya.

(to be continued)

(In part 2, Smith tells big Boss The Architect to check on Raju. Will the Architect be able to bridge the language gap? Or will he be mistaken for a credit card salesman? Watch this space to find out.)

If GGM can then even I can

So I read a short story by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and that fucker wrote a 5 page story in one line which kind of made me want to write a long sentence too which is what made me write my next blog though i must warn you that it might not make for most fun readnig but i have tried to make things funny by abusing several farm animals in hindi to make things much more riveting to you o kind reader like raand squirrel could crack up even the most stiff upper lipped one of you because the idea of a squirrel wearnig a little slut-skirt and stepping out into a crowded street for a decent night's work is thought-provoking if not funny since what ever will the world come to if animals have to be whores and walk around wearing little slut skirts swaying to th music of himesh bahi who recently performed at wembley where he hired several haraami rhinoceri to guard the d-area from angry fans most of whom were a group of gaandu cows who were aggravated because the nasal notes curdled their milk in the udders thus disabling any chance of playing Trik Or Teat with each other this Halloween.

Do you believe in Evolution?

The next episode of Southpark has Mrs Garrison talking about Evolution. Kind of got me started on thinking about what I think about Evolution. Sure it's a great song and a billiant theme for X-Men to come up with neat super heroes. But do I really believe that I came from monkies? Let's have a look shall we. Turn to page 3. No not that Page 3 - that's for retards.

A recent study conducted shows that in 10,000 years humans will have seperated into 2 species. Much like what happens in The Time Machine. A peace loving beautiful bunch of people an murderous ugly group of Londons. Let's call the first group The Pansies. And the 2nd group The Madarchods. So, the recently conducted study says that the Pansies will live all pretty while the Madarchods will scrounge on their leftovers and finally most probably quite simply blow away the Pansies and take over the world. What's to say that this hasn't happened already? You know the school room rhetoric - History repeats itself. So are we the Madarchods of another era? These are questions. Turn to page 4.

Evolution is a scientific theory and although I do understand the theory, I do not understand the research behind it. I believe it is solid and stands it's ground against a lot of "Really, Mr Scientist!!!" sort of conjecures. Page 5 please.

Everything changes. Obviously. Everything moves on. Except rocks. They just rock on. And make for great places to sit on when you want to have a smoke. And surely we weren't always the way we are today. Bill Hicks suggests that evolution from monkey to man began when a group of primates smoked up for the first time. Sounds like a solid theory. A group of monkeys caught in the middle of a cannabis forest fire suddenly realise that the fire is only as hot as they might want to eat a worm. When they somehow escape, they have a conference (which is where the word "dude" was used 3,000 times for the last time by a group of monkies) and invent monkey caps. They evolve.

Page 6.

The whole of Clarke's Space Odyssey was about evolution. The tychomonolith that jumpstarts intelligence. We didn't just grow. We didn't just happen. We were engineered, assisted, shown the way.

Page 7.

X-Men talks about Evolution that happens in spurts every 100,000 years. A period of time in history where some people are born with genetic hotwiring that makes them super cool and in Mystique's case, fucking hot. So maybe the dinosaurs never really got extinct. Maybe we evolved from them. There might be paleontologists who disagree, but who's to say - they might find a bone in a swamp in Gujrat proving that we are descendants from dinos. I'd much rather be a great grandson to a Brontosaurus than monkey. I hate monkies. They're annoying and once in Delhi they fucked up the eggs and vegetables in our kitchen. Plus, it's a fuckin monkey who starts off that disease in that Dustin Hoffman movie. Wouldn't it be nice if someone found out that we have descended from dinosaurs?

Have you made up your mind yet? About Evolution? Finally...

Page 8.

The Hubble Telescope queefed some information that showed us that the Universe if 13 billion years old. Last time I checked it was 15. Is Mr Hubble trying to lie to us? What if tomorrow he tells us that the Universe is only 200 million years old? And for the 1st 100 million years, the only living creatures were Pandas. Which explains why they want to just die away. They refuse to have sex, eat only rare bamboo grown on the shady slopes of some place 500 miles away and won't even smile at the webcam placed in their room. Animals with a death wish.

In conclusion, Darwin was a dick, but I wouldn't say it to his face if I met him.

The First Historical Indian Homosexual Episode

It happened in the time of Ashoka, many years ago. Gopi was a young village lad, supple and ambitious. Being ambitiously supple, he grew tired of his village and decided to head towards the big city - Takshila. Leaving with only blessings and a donkey to carry all his worldly belongings (2 pairs of clothes, food for the journey, some gold coins and a pencil), he head nito the big, blue world. He stopped for rest in a few hours, then resumed his journey again. He repeated this sequence of actions several more times till - almost all of a sudden - he was at the gates of the big city.


Inside the city, he let the sounds and sights sink in nice and easy. Once he was done sinking, Gopi realised that he was really hungry. However, the supple lad had spent all his money and eaten all his food... all except a loaf of bread. He watched a couple of hot city women walk across the street carrying water in jars ... they were really, really hot. He reached into his satchel strapped onto the donkey's back. The loaf of bread ... nice. He pulled it out and was about to have a go when he stopped all of a sudden and didn't have a go. Instead. he made a beeline for a street-side stall from where emanated the most delicious of smells ... the store sold butter chicken. Gopi almost slipped on the small pool of saliva that quickly formed at his journey-worn sandals. What was he to do now? No money, hunger tearing into his tummy and only a loaf of bread. The smell of butter chicken was so yummily yummy that he decided he'd hold the loaf above the big pot where the golden puree simmered. That way, he could taste the molecules of butter chicken and still not have to pay. Gopi smiled and drooled some more.


He held the loaf, at first sneakily, and then with growing confidence, above the pot. The shop keeper was too busy to figure out what Gopi was doing for the first 2 minutes. Then, when he finally did, he got really pissed. He asked Gopi to pay up for the yummy smoke that he'd consumed by generously spreading it over bread. However, our gastronomic gangster didn't have any money. So, he screamed and pleaded for mercy -


"I have nothing .... please spare me .... all I have is this donkey".


So, they took his ass.

OUR SLOW slide towards insanity ...greased on the fat of my word play

Please read this conversation. Observe how I use clever psychological traps and intelligent word play to make Afrin feel angry. I like you. Do you like me?
Afrin: hi doll
Afrin Sopariwala is online.
Mel: hi pencil neck
Afrin: ok.. so you wanna be nasty
fine
Mel: no tweezer thighs
Afrin: you earthworm penis
Mel: some earthworms have been known to grow upto 10 inches ni length, fat like a bamboo
Afrin: didnt ask for ur defence
if u wanna attack go ahead
am ready
Mel: ok tapeworm knees
i dont want to atack you.
Afrin: yea.. better than amoeba brain
Mel: why are you calling yourself amoeba brain?
you're more like scarecrow shnis
shins*
Afrin: thankyou
Mel: not to mention
Afrin: you're a .. damn it
cant think of anything
Mel: you are a moron
Afrin: yea.. i guess you're right
Mel: i am
Afrin: let me hide under my desk
Mel: why? are you wanting to blow someone?
Afrin: hey... seen borat yet?
Mel: no :(
you saw?
Afrin: nope
not yet
Mel: i wanna see it real bad
Afrin: yea.. i can imagine
will it come out in theatres there you think?
Mel: i doubt it ....
Afrin: darn
hows brown?
Mel: he's puking today ... :(
Afrin: oh no
take him to a doc if it goes on na
Mel: i will
Sent at 10:50 AM on Wednesday
Afrin: oh and btw.. y'all were in channel v
did anyone see it?
Mel: nope ....
Afrin: except that orkut chick 'rage'
damn it man
so annoying
Mel: heheh ... she's sweety
Afrin: i want a copy
i mean.. a copy of the video
Mel: me too
Afrin: pester neeraj now
Mel: ok
Afrin: vishy's on another planet
Mel: what?
Afrin: nothing.. just that gary's been pestering vishy for ages for the Irock video and last time i heard from gary, still no video
its hopeless
Mel: i'm going to fuck vishy right now
Afrin: ok.. have fun.. but dont be mean
ok, you're a discordian
no use telling you anything
you were born a discordian
Mel: u are a thimble twat
Afrin: you're a swatted fly
Mel: you are a NARROW gauge railwa line
Afrin: hey..
you know
finally
Mel: you suck ass
Afrin: i flattened a coin
on the railway tracks
after 5 attempts
Mel: god ... you're even more retarded than i ever thought
Afrin: 2 coins!
Mel: wasting money
fucking moron
Afrin: it was super fun
and the coins are cool
Mel: how about you flatten yourself the next time and rid us of all your dumbity
Afrin: stop being a mutt and i'll let you look at them
thats it
i've had enough
you scum of the universe
Mel: you love me and you can not be mad at me
Afrin: you should evaporate
Mel: i am your charming prince
Afrin: i'm quickly changing my mind
Mel: you are retarded
Afrin: havent caught sight of the charm for months
Mel: really? i think it's lost in the crack of my ass
Afrin: oh mel
i cant handle you
and work at the same time
Mel: you should turtle over and pretend to be a peanut
Afrin: you should be an oyster and sink to the bottom of the sea
Mel: have you heard deeper underground by jamiroquai?
Afrin: no.. but have it and am listening
now
Mel: how aBOUT SPLIT COVER THAT?
love that song
Afrin: listening
Mel: send to me please
m,ail mail
Afrin: k
hmm.. like it already
Mel: thanks Af
Afrin: cover cover
Mel: sweet
Afrin: but will gary sing it?
Mel: he will ..... anything that has lyrics like "there's too much panic in this town" , he will snig
he can do what he wants ... sing it anyway
Afrin: he should... its a new style for him
Mel: i think he'd like it
Afrin: sent it
Mel: thankyou .....
Afrin: tomorrow is Google India Sales Conference
Mel: are you selling anything?
Afrin: aiiyo
nope
we'll have talks and discussions by the bigwigs
am attending a seminar about orkut
hehe
Mel: really? that's nice.
so cool. please tell them we need to have access to international communities
Afrin: as in?
Mel: ruight now, if i search for southpark communities, i can only access indian southpark communities
Afrin: ohh ok
will ask
Mel: you are slightly retarded so it might take you time to understand
Afrin: hopefully i'll understand by tomorrow
Mel: never know
Sent at 11:14 AM on Wednesday
Afrin: pest
Sent at 11:17 AM on Wednesday
Mel: dont be rude
Afrin: sorry
Mel: it's ok. don't do it again
Afrin: never ever ever
Mel: don't be a moron
Afrin: sorry.. will try not to be
its very hard
Mel: ok Af ...am going to stop bugging you
you know why i am mean to you na?
Afrin: to stop me from being gullible?
cmon mel.. i was kidding
Mel: no. because you are retarded.
Afrin: ok
Mel: :P
Afrin: so then dont stop na
Mel: i am trying not to
Afrin: i turn tables and you throw it back at me
very nice
Mel: i am smart no?
Afrin: wont fall for your tricks again
Mel: i have moer tricks .... check this one out
knock knock
Afrin: oh no
who's there
Mel: AN INTERRUPTING COW
MOOOO
MOOOOO
MOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MOOOOOOOOOOOO
MOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Afrin: oh no
Mel: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Afrin: woof
Mel: MOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Afrin: arre.. the cows in hampi were all mad
Mel: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Afrin: they kept running and attacking people
Mel: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Afrin: never been scared of cows before
Mel: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Afrin: those chaps were all wild
Mel: MOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Afrin: give it a break mel!
Mel: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Afrin: am trying to make some money for google
Mel: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Afrin: aargh
Mel: :)
Afrin: horrible trick
Mel: YOUR SLOW slide towards insanity ...greased on the fat of my word play
Afrin: knock knock indeed
Mel: another one
you tell me a knocjk knco kjoke now
Afrin: dunnonone
Mel: really?
Afrin: i'm a retard
but lemme look some up!
Mel: sure
Afrin: really stupid ones
Mel: lemme av it
Afrin: knock knock
Mel: come in
:D
:)
Afrin: fine
Mel: :P
Afrin: rogue
Mel: :)
Afrin: i'll get you arrested
Mel: you can suck my balls